


Growing up

by Vizodi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Pre-Canon, Puberty Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-14
Updated: 2012-06-14
Packaged: 2017-11-07 17:36:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/433681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vizodi/pseuds/Vizodi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pesterlog fic. </p><p>Roxy's bleeding and she and Dirk don't know why.</p><p>Fill for the kinkmeme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> Finally got my AO3 account.
> 
> This was a fill for the Homesmut Kinkmeme. [[Here]](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/17313.html?thread=35227809#t35227809)
> 
> _"Let's say that Rose didn't include a book about 'the changes your body is going through' in the stuff she left for Roxy, and Roxy hasn't bothered to read up on stuff that's usual for humans, figuring that she knows her body pretty well and having figured out on her own/with carapace help how to take care of herself when she's ill. But then when she's thirteen she starts bleeding. From THERE. And she starts to panic, thinking she's got some sort of horrible deadly disease, and starts hysterically pestering Dirk for help. Whether Dirk knows about menstruation is up to the filler, but I'd just love an awkward as fuck calming down of a terrified Roxy. <3"_

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: DICK  
TG: *DRIK  
TG: ***DIRK  
TG: DISTRI  
TG: omg dirk r u there??  
TG: omgomg  
TG: om fuckin g  
TG: answer gogdangnabbit fuuuuucccckkkk  
TT: Calm your tits Roxy. What seems to be the problem?  
TT: The Batterwitch’s drones didn’t locate you, did they?  
TT: Jesus Roxy; what did you do to get their attention?  
TG: its not that  
TG: its much  
TG: more  
TG: DIER  
TG: *drier  
TG: *HORRIFYINGLY IMPORTANT FUCK  
TG: dirk  
TG: omfg  
TG: im scared  
TT: Will you just tell me what your dilemma is?  
TT: You’re keeping me in the dark and I’m worried on your behalf without knowing what I’m worrying about.  
TG: dirk im crying  
TT: Breathe, Roxy. Calm down, stop hyperventilating, and gather your thoughts.  
TT: ...Alright. Good?  
TT: Good.  
TT: Now tell me what the problem is.  
TG: okay  
TG: oh god  
TG: this is kina embarrasgin and terrifyin  
TG: but shit im all like  
TG: oh dammit shit fuck :,(  
TT: Are you wounded?  
TG: FUCK I THINK IM  
TG: IM  
TT: ??  
TG: DYING  
TG: oh god  
TG: im like  
TG: BLEEDING  
TG: and its so much blood omg  
TG: my favourite skitr is stained and all red and fuuuuck  
TG: omgomgomg  
TG: andandand idk what to do ive never seen any of my nieghbers hav this problem  
TG: what if its some kinda human diease??  
TG: oh god is this genetic  
TG: did mom hav this befor she wsa mujrderd  
TG: fuckfuckfuckshiiiiiiiiiiit  
TT: Can you stop the bleeding?  
TG: NO OH MY FCUVKIN GOD  
TG: oh god dirk my stomach hurts and so does my legs and  
TG: help me  
TT: Where are you bleeding?  
TG: um..............  
TT: Roxy, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me where you’re bleeding.  
TT: This is your life at stake here - tell me.  
TT: Right now.  
TG: my...  
TG: yknow  
TG: there  
TT: “There”?  
TG: uuuuhhhhh  
TG: my  
TG: oh god  
TT: Roxy!  
TG: MY WOMANLY PARTS  
TG: PUSSY  
TG: CUNT  
TG: PEEPEE  
TG: TO PUT IT SUCCICNTYL:  
TG: MY VAGINA  
TT: ...Oh.  
TG: oh???????  
TG: is that a ‘oh is that it’ oh  
TG: or a blank oh  
TG: or a ‘oh ur gon die sorry roxy’ oh  
TT: Just...  
TT: Oh.  
TG: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRK   
TT: Fucking hell let me just...  
TT: I have no expertise in this area, so let me...  
TT: Let me research, okay?  
TT: Sit tight and just... block as much of the bleeding as you can.  
TG: it hurts  
TT: Just stay calm, Roxy.  
TT: I won’t let you die.  
TG: diiiiiirrrrrrrkkkkkkk  
TT: I’ll be back in a few.  
TG: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRK

\----- === \-----

timaeusTestified [TT] started pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

GT: Hello my good bro!  
GT: You caught me at a rather bad time.  
GT: A bunch of angry crabdads are after me so lets make this quick okay?  
TT: What the fuck is a crabdad?  
TT: You know what; you can fill me in on that at a later date.  
TT: But right now can you find somewhere safe to sit your ass down and listen to me?  
TT: It’s rather urgent.  
GT: Well alright! *double pistols and a wink*  
GT: ...Okay im up a pretty high tree now. Whats the problem strider?  
TT: It’s not me, it’s Roxy.  
GT: Oh no is she alright?  
TT: She’s in pain at the moment, and from the way she’s describing it she has a wound - a relatively severe one at that.  
TT: Since you always seem to be constantly fighting against the terrifying and dangerous fauna of your island, I would assume you have had your fair share of wounds.  
GT: Yes quite!  
GT: In fact just yesterday i got a rather nasty cut on my leg from one of the goatdads prowling in the coastlines!  
TT: Goatdads?  
TT: Never mind don’t answer that.  
TT: Anyway the point is I automatically assume that you would know how to bandage and treat specific types of wounds, seeing that you’ve had many in the past.  
TT: I can’t be there for Roxy at the moment, so I’m going to have to resort to relaying the instructions to her via. Pesterchum and let her take care of it herself.  
TT: I’d let her talk to you, but she’s... hysterical at the moment, to say the least.  
GT: Hysterical? *raises eyebrows*  
TT: Freaking the motherfuck out like it was the apocalypse and there’s no vodka to knock her out during it.  
TT: Given that she may be dying at the moment, it’s completely understandable.  
GT: Oh my fucking god!  
GT: She might be dying??  
GT: Jesus dirk how are you so calm about this??  
TT: Oh believe me; I’m also freaking the fuck out.  
TT: But one of us has to stay calm so that we get this shit done.  
GT: Goodness gracious mr strider im impressed.  
GT: Always the level headed one. *grins and winks at you*  
GT: Where is she injured?  
TT: Apparently, her -  
TT: I apologise for my bluntness,  
TT: Vagina.  
GT: .............oh.  
TT: Oh?  
GT: Yeah just...  
GT: Oh.  
GT: *clears throat in a nervous fashion, averts gaze and hides embarrassed blush behind a hand*  
GT: Um.  
GT: I... think you need to talk to ms crocker about this.  
GT: She probably knows more about this than i do.  
TT: You want me to pester Crocker and waste more time while Roxy might be dying?  
GT: *laughs quietly* Oh no my good man!  
GT: I assure you ms lalonde isnt dying.  
GT: You have nothing to be worried about! *shoots you a reassuring smile*  
TT: Really?  
TT: You’re positive?  
GT: Yes!  
TT: How can you be so sure?  
GT: Just...  
GT: Just trust me and go talk to jane.  
GT: Roxys not dying i swear.  
GT: Oh shit look dirk i gotta go these crabdads are teaming up with the  
GT: Jesus joseph and mother mary  
GT: devilfucking  
GT: DRAGONS!!!  
GT: Bye dirk! Ill talk to you later.

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: Bye. Thank you, Jake.  
TT: And be safe.

\----- === \-----

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

GG: Di-Stri!  
GG: I was just about to bother you; what good timing!  
GG: Ro-Lal isn’t answering. Do you know why?  
TT: She’s bleeding from her vagina and is in great pain.  
GG: .........What.  
TT: Wait, hold on.

 

\------ 

 

TG: DRIK OMFG DONT YOU DARE GO AWAY  
TG: NO YOU FUCKR  
TG: NONONONO  
TG: OMGOMGOMG  
TG: I H8 U SO MUCH  
TG: OH GOD MY STOMACH  
TG: it hurts  
TG: in so much fvukin PAIN heeere  
TG: omgomgogmgdgsjvflhjkhgaelkdgf  
TG: DIRKDIRKDIRKDSDDGVHDJKLJDUUUUUUUCK  
TG: *DIIIIIIIIIIIIIRK  
TG: JEGUS FUCK STRIDER  
TG: NO AMOUNT OF ALCOHOE CAN NUMB THE PAIN IM IN  
TG: *ALCOHOL  
TT: Allow me to repeat my previous sentiment to your panic attack in a much more forceful tone of text:  
TT: CALM YOUR TITS LALONDE JESUS CHRIST.  
TT: The good news is you’re not dying.  
TG: THANK FUCKIN GOD WHAT TOOK U SO LONG  
TG: so whats the problem im still in so much pain here???  
TT: I’m still trying to figure that out.  
TT: Give me a few more minutes.  
TG: FUUUUCK hurrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyy >:((((((

 

\------ 

 

GG: Wha-- Mr. Strider that’s quite a crude and uncalled for response!  
GG: Goodness gracious you should be more tactful when speaking to a lady.  
GG: And ABOUT a lady like Ms. Lalonde!  
GG: You just don’t blurt out their personal monthly problems to your friends like how one would talk about the weather.  
TT: Wait;  
TT: This is a MONTHLY thing?  
GG: What do you mean ‘this is a monthly’...?  
GG: ...  
GG: You seriously didn’t know?  
TT: Just answer me this, Jane, as honestly as possible with no hesitation whatsoever:  
TT: You mean to tell me that bleeding from... one’s private parts is a normal thing?  
GG: Yes!  
GG: Er, that is to say, for WOMEN anyway - when they reach a certain age in their life.  
TT: ........Huh.  
TT: Thank fucking god for that.  
TT: I’m talking about myself, by the way. Roxy: not so much.  
GG: I figured.  
GG: Honestly, I’m quite surprised.  
GG: You and Roxy are some of the most intelligent people I know, yet you don’t know something as simple as the gimmicks of puberty??  
GG: Didn’t your parents teach you?  
TT: ...They are quite reluctant to give us seemingly sensitive and embarrassing information like this.  
TT: Or they automatically assumed that we would know already, seeing as we’re young, curious thirteen year olds with the internet in our hands.  
TT: I mean, I’ve seen porn, but none of that drivel taught me about...  
TT: Puberty.  
TT: And, apparently, Roxy’s in the same boat.  
GG: That is... quite a pickle.  
GG: Oh, you poor things! So, Roxy’s on her period?  
GG: Uh, err, she’s menstruating?  
TT: ...What?  
GG: Oh bollocks; so she’s bleeding from her... ‘womanly parts’ below the belt?  
GG: Oh my goodness I’m blushing so hard right now. This is not a subject I would normally talk about with a male!  
TT: Oh. Yes, she is. She’s bleeding ‘down there’.  
TT: Don’t worry, Jane. I’m as embarrassed as you are. This is a situation that will probably scar me for life.  
TT: Rox more so.  
GG: Hoo hoo! I can’t imagine the ever-so-cool, calm and collected Dirk Strider getting flustered about the terrifying wonders of puberty! :B  
GG: But isn’t Ro-Lal’s mom helping her??  
TT: Her mom’s on a business trip; busy, famous author and all that shit.  
TT: Long story short: Roxy’s... on the other side of the world dealing with her first... menstruation?  
TT: Am I saying that correctly?  
GG: Yes.  
TT: Her first menstruation all alone and not knowing how to deal with it.  
TT: Jane, I apologise in advance for this embarrassing line of questioning,  
TT: And I would instruct Roxy to talk to you in private, but she is being ridiculously unreasonable at the moment and I don’t want to anger her any further, nor do I want her to take out her frustrations on you...  
GG: Oh God.  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: So, how do you stop the bleeding?  
GG: ...Tell her to go to the bathroom and search.  
GG: Make sure she tells you what she finds.  
TT: ...She’s yelling at me via. caps lock.  
TT: Though, she did find, and I quote:  
TT: “weird cotton diapr stickr thinsg and bullets made of cotton w/ bits of string on the end”  
TT: “also a shitload of aspirin bhind the mirror”  
TT: “tahnk u god”  
TT: I assume that she went right ahead and took the painkillers.  
GG: Good. That’ll help tremendously.  
GG: Okay, um...  
GG: Send her these pictures: 

gutsyGumshoe [GG] sent timaeusTestified [TT] Sanitarynapkins.jpg, Tampon.jpg

TT: ...What the hell?  
GG: You’ll understand later. Send them!  
TT: I did. She said that they look like the things she found.  
GG: Now you need to  
GG: Oh god.  
GG: I’m sorry Dirk, but I need you to ask her what she prefers.  
TT: Pardon?

 

\------ 

 

TT: “The pads are for sticking onto your panties, and the tampons are for... well; ‘plugging up the leaking’ and absorbing the blood.”  
TT: “So the question is: would you rather let the blood get absorbed externally by the napkin, or absorbed and blocked by the tampon?”  
TG: WAIT WHAT  
TG: WHATWAHTWHAT  
TG: DOES SHE REALLY EXPECT ME TO  
TG: TO WEAR A DIAPER THINGY  
TG: OR STUFF A VAGPLUG UP MY  
TG: well  
TG: VAG?!  
TT: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW OKAY?!  
TT: Look; I’m just the messenger.  
TT: Honestly, I’d rather let you two settle this by yourselves while I log off,  
TT: Lie on my bed,  
TT: And hide under the blankets.  
TT: Forever.  
TG: fuck sry dirk  
TG: gettin all caught up in my girl probs  
TG: and gettin traumatised in th process  
TT: No, it’s alright.  
TT: We’re probably the only two humans left in existence at this time period and we need to help each other with our problems.  
TT: Never mind the fact that I seriously don’t feel like I’m helping at all.  
TG: no dirk  
TG: if it wernt for u id be a panickin mess  
TG: n i wouldve gotten nowhere  
TG: i wouldve been too hysteciral to actually get janeys help  
TG: plus u always know how to calm me down  
TG: so  
TG: thanks  
TT: No problem.  
TT: You know I’m here for you always.  
TG: hahaha ilu  
TG: look tell janey ill pester her  
TG: i think you need some tiem to revocer from this influx of qirl shenanigans  
TG: *recover  
TT: That’s sounds like a good plan.  
TT: Good luck, Roxy.  
TT: Don’t frustrate Jane too much.  
TG: ill try not to but no guaranteeeees ahahaha ;)

 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

 

TT: Fucking hell I need a drink.

 

\----- === \-----

 

CURRENT gutsyGumshoe [CGG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board THE TALK.

CGG: Hello guys!

CURRENT golgothasTerror [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CGT: Im going to have to be completely honest with you ms crocker:  
CGT: The board title is rightfully terrifying.  
CGT: Is it quite necessary for me to be here?  
CGG: Yes! :B  
CGT: But i know this already!  
CGG: From movies and possibly various other documentaries.  
CGG: But I just need to make sure all three of you are properly educated on this subject.

FUTURE timaeusTestified [FTT] 413 YEARS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FTT: How diligent of you, Jane.  
CGG: ...Why does it say ‘future’ timaeusTestified? 413 years from now?  
CGG: Is this some kind of computer glitch?

FUTURE tipsyGnostalgic [FTG] 413 YEARS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FTG: maaaaaaybe  
CGG: Oh dang it Lalonde! I knew you had something to do with this nonsense.  
CGG: I don’t know how you did it, but nonetheless this small prank won’t fool me! Hoo hoo! :B  
FTG: uh huuuuh........  
CGT: *adjusts glasses knowingly and grins*  
FTG: ahahaha jakey u crack me up  
FTT: It might be the fact that Roxy and I live in a... different part of the world.  
CGG: So it’s glitchy when connecting to different countries? Oh dear. :/  
CGG: Maybe I should report this bug...?  
FTG: NO  
FTG: its totes unnecessary  
FTG: i got access to dirkys comp and adjusted his settings too ;)  
FTG: dont underestimaet my 1337 h4xx0r skillz  
CGG: Riiiiight...  
CGG: Anyway, onto business!  
CGG: It’s time for...  
CGG: Jake, drumroll please.  
FTT: Please don’t.  
CGT: But she asked so nicely! I cant refuse the lady her wishes!  
CGT: *drumroll*  
FTG: ahahaha u guys r so cute <3  
CGG: It’s time for...  
CGG: ...  
CGG: ...  
CGG: THE TALK.  
FTT: ...I suddenly feel the need to crawl back under my blankets and hide until the storm passes.  
CGT: You and me both mr strider.  
CGG: You two aren’t going anywhere!  
FTG: wat bout me :P  
CGG: You too!  
FTG: heeheehee  
FTT: Are you drinking again?  
FTT: Wait; that’s a stupid question. You’re always drinking.  
FTG: pfft  
FTG: why wud i do that  
FTG: im on painkillers im not dumb enough to mix vodka with THAT  
FTT: Good point.  
CGT: So she really does make those mistakes when shes sober?  
FTT: Nah.  
FTT: I assume she’s pretty high on painkillers at the moment.  
FTG: whoa my blankets r  
FTG: so soft  
FTG: whoa theyre also reeeeaaall flufyf  
FTG: *fluffy  
FTG: ahahaha oh wiat  
FTG: dats just Frigglish  
FTG: awww hiiii kittyyyyy <3333  
FTG: “meow meow meow”  
FTG: whuzzat? noooo i cant drink r/n im on painkillers  
FTG: “meow meow meow?”  
FTG: dw janey said itll be a week until ill stop  
FTG: then we can shaer a bottle k  
FTG: and u shall wear a top hat and monocle so dat ull look liek a fine gentlamn wit ur fncy suit  
FTG: while we sip our fine gentleemans drink  
CGT: ...Oh.  
FTT: Yeah.  
FTG: meowmeowmeowHEEHEEHEE  
CGG: ...She’ll remember this, right?  
FTT: If she doesn’t I’ll save the contents of this memo for her to read over.  
CGG: Sounds like a plan!  
CGT: And blackmail purposes?  
FTT: And blackmail purposes.  
FTT: When she’s drunk she doesn’t ramble on like this often. In fact, she’s not as bubbly as this.  
FTT: Roxy getting high is amusing.  
FTT: Very, very amusing.  
CGG: You guys...  
CGT: My apologies! Do go on ms crocker.  
CGG: Okay, so...  
FTT: So...  
CGT: So...?  
FTG: so!!!!  
FTG: lets get a few thins cleer janey  
FTG: dirky n i hav seen porn ok  
FTG: i think we kno how babbies r made tarditionally  
FTG: howeva as u hav alrdy expericned 1st hand we don kno how tfuck puberty works  
CGG: Oh, alright! I guess that makes it a little easier to explain.  
CGG: Now, puberty is a process of changes made to your body. It’s a transition from childhood onward to adulthood.  
CGG: It’s when your body starts to mature so that it’s capable of sexual reproduction and fertilisation.  
CGG: Females start maturing earlier than males for some odd reason. Dirk, Jake, have you hit puberty yet?  
FTT: I don’t know.  
FTT: How do I know if I am?  
CGT: Is your voice cracking and growing deeper? Do your clothes suddenly not fit you anymore? Has your height been increasing at a rather rapid rate?  
CGT: Are you getting random erections all the time?  
FTT: Wait what.  
CGT: Are you growing hair in uncomfortable places?  
CGT: What about facial hair?  
CGT: (Jane here fancies men with snappy moustaches... just throwing that out there. *grins*)  
CGG: Jake!  
CGT: What about your first wet dream?  
FTT: The fuck’s a wet dream?  
CGT: Well you see... *ahem*  
CGG: JAKE NO.  
CGT: Oh! I apologise! It seems to have slipped my mind that there are ladies present. *laughs sheepishly*  
CGG: Dirk, all those are indications that you’re hitting puberty.  
CGG: I suggest you keep track of those for the next few years.  
FTT: ...I still don’t understand what a wet dream is.  
CGT: Dont fret mr strider! Ill tell you after.  
FTT: Why don’t you just tell me now?  
CGT: Well i tried but jane here...  
CGG: MOVING ON.  
CGG: Roxy! The process of female puberty is different.  
CGG: As you experienced firsthand women bleed. That’s just the lining of your uterus realising that there’s no fertilised egg for it to house, and therefore breaks down the blood lining on the walls of your uterus and expelling the unwanted egg along with it.  
FTT: Wow; that seems kind of sad.  
CGG: I know! :(  
CGG: That poor egg didn’t have a chance at life.  
CGG: This is why we women house thousands of eggs in our ovaries.  
CGG: Although, once that egg’s gone we can’t replace it by ‘producing’ another.  
FTT: Jesus.  
FTT: Is this the same for men?  
CGG: I believe men can produce more sperm and replace the ones they’ve lost.  
FTT: Huh...  
FTT: ...Why do I feel like I suddenly understand nothing?  
CGG: Hoo hoo! Don’t worry, I can explain later. :B  
CGT: You know what female puberty is scarier than male puberty.  
CGT: I mean...  
CGT: Mood swings. Erratic mood swings.  
CGG: Now Jake that’s not entirely true for all women.  
CGT: He has a right to know.  
CGT: Might as well warn my best bro just in case he runs into any other ladies on the rag.  
CGG: JAKE!  
FTT: How thoughtful.  
CGG: Don’t listen to him Dirk; his only experience with women is movies and his grandma.  
CGG: Who, by the way, WAS TOO OLD TO HAVE THOSE PARTICULAR ‘MOOD SWINGS’ YOU WERE IMPLYING.  
FTG: jaen  
FTG: calm ur tits qurl ur all spazzy  
CGG: ...  
CGT: *snorts*  
CGT: Anyway. Erratic mood swings. Yes.  
CGT: Women are  
CGT: Okay well SOME thank you jane.  
CGT: Some women are scary during their... monthlies. Yes thats a polite way to say it.  
CGT: Scary as in JESUS CHRISTOFER KRINGLEFUCKER GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.  
FTT: That scary, huh?  
CGT: Quite.  
FTT: ...........And then suddenly I prefer men.  
CGT: What?  
CGG: What?  
FTT: What?  
FTG: called it  
FTG: i mean  
FTG: wat  
CGG: ...No Jake that is a HIGHLY BIASED OPINION and does not apply to every women on the face of the planet!  
CGG: Disregard that Dirk and Roxy.  
FTT: If you insist.  
CGG: ...Roxy, are you listening?  
FTG: sry waht  
FTG: i was distracedt by friggs new bow tie  
FTG: omg its so cute  
CGG: Roxy!  
FTT: I’ll make sure she reads over this memo.  
FTG: meowmeowmeowwwwww  
FTG: AHAHAHAHHHEHEHEEheeheehee  
FTG: oh wao im suddenly pretys dizzy  
FTG: ahahha i feela so ligheaded  
FTG: aahhaaa oh wow look at th light  
FTG: its so wheit n  
FTG: wow dirky dirky dirrrrrk i wthink  
FTG: *tink  
FTG: i died n liek  
FTG: went to heavne or sum shit  
FTG: aheeeheeaaaaa.......!!! :3  
CGT: Ms lalonde i suggest that you go and have a bit of a lie down.  
FTG: sadsfghfjgklkkkkkkkkkkkkk

FTG ceased responding to memo.

CGT: Roxy?  
FTT: I think she took your advice, Jake. She’s probably now sound asleep on top of her keyboard.  
CGT: Well thats just aces.  
CGG: Sigh.  
CGG: Look; I’ll just link you two various websites so you can read up on the subject yourselves.  
CGG: My dad’s calling me down for dinner, so...  
CGT: Oh we understand.  
CGT: My im feeling a little peckish myself too!  
FTT: Food sounds good.  
FTT: I’ll catch myself dinner.  
CGT: Youll catch yourself dinner?  
FTT: Sure, why not?  
FTT: Fresh fish sounds good.  
CGT: Oh that DOES sound good!  
CGT: Id copy your example but...  
CGT: Well i think the fauna around are still a little peeved at me. *rubs back of neck*  
FTT: Ah.  
CGG: I’m about to close the memo boys.  
CGT: No wait!  
CGT: Strider ill tell you about the oddities of puberty now before we go and eat!  
CGT: Ill even educate you on what a wet dream is.  
FTT: Oh.  
FTT: Okay.

CGG banned FTT from responding to memo.  
CGG banned CGT from responding to memo.

CGG: GO TALK IN PRIVATE! Dx  
CGG: Okay, good night! Hoo hoo! :B

CGG closed memo.


	2. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Implied one-sided Dirk/Jake.
> 
> And I guess vaguely-implied Dirk/Roxy counts as well. I think.
> 
> ...idk why I wrote this part in the first place.

golgothasTerror [GT] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

 

GT: Jane was awfully moody today.  
TT: Roxy and I are probably at fault. We did stress her out somewhat earlier today about Roxy’s personal female dilemmas.  
TT: I’ll properly apologise to her later. Don’t be irked at her.  
GT: Im not at all peeved by ms crockers mood! Really. Its just an astute observation.  
GT: I can understand her stress and not all of it was because of you and roxy.  
GT: Shes been the victim of numerous attempted assassinations lately! The poor girl.  
GT: Being an heiress to a humongous company must be hard.  
TT: It’s understandable. The Crocker Empire has many enemies.  
TT: I feel sorry for Jane. She’s caught up in all of this when she’s not at fault.  
TT: She’s a mere sheltered puppet under the witch’s grasp, and she needs to learn how to cut those metaphorical strings and break away from the brainwashing before it’s too late.  
GT: Is it really that horrible in the future?  
TT: Considering the fact that Roxy and I may be the only living humans on this Batterwitch-torn future,  
TT: It’s worse.  
TT: And we’ve only got each other.  
GT: I hope you dont mind me saying this but that is adorable.  
TT: ...I will pretend I am not at all affronted by the fact that you just called my relationship with Roxy adorable.  
TT: It’s not adorable. We are two ass-kicking descendents of two equally ass-kicking resistance members ready to fuck shit up.  
GT: So you dont legitimately worry for roxy?  
TT: Of course I worry for her. She’s the only human being I know in my time. And we’re friends, obviously. The best of fucking friends - and please don’t take that literally that was just for emphasis.  
TT: We will meet up one day and escape this fucking place together, ready to start up a resistance against Her Imperious Cuntbag.  
GT: How endearing.  
TT: Shut up that is not endearing or adorable.  
GT: Its like a romantic adventure!  
GT: The two of you wanting to be together and be liberated from the evils of this post apocalyptic water world and fighting side by side.  
TT: Oh my God.  
TT: Me and... Roxy?  
TT: No Jake.  
TT: No.  
GT: If roxy is the only other human being in your time i think youve got no choice but to copulate with her to keep the human race going my friend.  
TT: Hell no.  
GT: Unless theres someone else? A love triangle??  
TT: Hell fucking no.  
TT: Jake, tell me: what’s my name?  
GT: ......Is this a trick question?  
TT: What’s my name?  
GT: Dirk strider.  
TT: That’s right.  
TT: Dirk Strider: Dick Rider.  
TT: It’s official. I’ve decided I love cock.  
TT: And I’m pretty sure Roxy’s a female and biologically incapable of having a dick.  
TT: Unless there’s something she’s not telling me, which is a pretty fucking low possibility.  
TT: We’re practically each others’ therapist. She spills her confessions/problems onto me while I listen, and I spill my proverbial guts out to her and she understands.  
GT: Okay i understand your sudden interest in the male variety and i respect your decision. I also understand that you and roxy love each other platonically and pity the fuck out of each other.  
GT: But if it was a necessity...  
GT: Would you?  
GT: Would you and Roxy do the deed to repopulate the human race?  
TT: The probability of that happening is pretty close to zero. Both of us are pretty paranoid that the Batterwitch’s drones are going to come knocking at our doors and murder us without a second thought.  
TT: I estimate that our lifespan is not going to make it to adulthood - especially considering just who our ancestors are.  
TT: BUT, if it ever does come to that point:  
TT: Probably.  
TT: But the likelihood of that having any lasting effect is zero.  
GT: No exact yes or no answer?  
TT: Jake, just get with the wet dream thing.  
GT: Oh yes! It totally slipped my mind that the purpose of this chat log in the first place was to educate you on what exactly a wet dream is.  
GT: Okay! So.  
TT: So.  
GT: So uhh...  
GT: Oh gadzooks how do i start??  
TT: Teach me, Professor English. You are the teacher. It is you.  
GT: Oh roleplaying now are we?  
TT: Ha.  
TT: No seriously it’s no big deal. Just give me a textbook answer and I’ll understand.  
TT: Actually, don’t give me a textbook answer. Textbooks are shit; don’t even dare copy/paste it from Wikipedia either.  
TT: I want you to explain it to me in your own words.  
GT: Arrrrrgh okay.  
GT: A wet dream is  
GT: Err.  
TT: Are you seriously chickening out on me?  
TT: Even after being totally callous about women’s mood swings whilst on their period?  
TT: And Jane - dear sweet Jane.  
TT: You got her jimmies rustled because of your jerkface-ness.  
GT: Yeah i should probably apologise for that later.  
TT: Damn well you should.  
GT: Okay so a wet dream is when a bloke is sleeping and they suddenly...  
GT: Come in their boxers.  
GT: And i think ladies experience them too but im not sure.  
TT: Wait.  
TT: So they’re just sleeping and then when they wake up they find their underwear a genetic mess?  
TT: Dude that’s gross.  
GT: Its all part of a natural process apparently. Your body is getting adjusted to their modified reproductive organs or something of the sort.  
GT: Im not an expert so dont quote me on this!  
GT: I mean ive had my fair share of soiled underpants in the middle of the night due to some pleasant dreams but  
GT: Argh you know what ill just shut up and stop pursuing this line of conversation.  
TT: Oh hell no.  
TT: You started it. Now finish it.  
TT: It’s just polite not to leave your bro hanging like this.  
GT: .............Wow that sounds awfully suggestive.  
TT: I’m not at fault there. I merely typed up an innocent-looking sentence and your mind interpreted it as an innuendo for sex.  
TT: You dirty, dirty boy.  
GT: Oh shut up!!  
TT: I think you need a spanking.  
GT: Okay now whos the suggestive one??   
TT: Haha.  
TT: So are these unwanted genetic emissions always the result of sexual dreams?  
GT: Most of the time.  
TT: Most?  
TT: So are you telling me you could be dreaming about,  
TT: Oh, I don’t know...  
TT: Shooting down those ‘fairybulls’ you’re always going on about, and then you’ll wake up finding your underwear a cold, sticky mess?  
GT: Not with dreams like that!  
TT: Thank fucking god.  
TT: I don’t know how I would feel if I suddenly woke up with sheets soiled dreaming about myself and Roxy riding unicorns over the fucking rainbow.   
GT: Unicorns?  
TT: Okay that’s unrealistic.  
TT: Ponies.  
TT: Yes, ponies.  
GT: Haha youre quite the character strider.  
GT: I enjoy talking to you.  
TT: I enjoy talking to me too.  
TT: I’m glad there’s someone other than me that loves the sound of my voice.  
TT: Well, text.  
GT: Oh shush.  
GT: Anyway i better get my dinner ready. Its getting late.  
TT: Yeah same here.  
TT: I better start fishing now while the fish are still feeding.  
TT: So I’ll talk to you later?  
GT: Yes of course!  
GT: Goodbye for now dirk!

 

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

 

TT: Jake I  
TT: ...Oh, never mind. You left.  
TT: Disregard my unfinished sentence - it’s not important.  
TT: Have a good evening English.

 

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  
timaeusTestified [TT] started pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

 

TT: <3

 

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay NOW I'm done.


End file.
